Ibu, Happy Mother's Day

i was always bad at projecting my feeling toward others regardless to whom. Say it my family my lover or my friends, i would never be able to actually say what i actually feel. although a research gave a reason for me not to blame myself as most Asian does not portray their love as explicitly as European. too shy to do it, assisting and completing our culture as heritage of the suppressed feelings.

I hold on to the words that goes, say something before it's too late. 

but somehow i had never have the right time, the right place to say 

or courage in this matter.

So anyway,

last night, i looked at Ibu and was returned with her usual sarcastic smile look and i wondered when did this face that used to be so strong and tough get to be so ...fragile and tired. i can't remember when was the time i actually looked at her and paid attention to all the years that had gone. 

took me quite down the memory lane.

as im growing up,

Ibu quit her job to take care of us. a sacrifice she willingly made.

as a toddler, i was as much as a Why guy..okay not much different to now anyhow. I remembered Ibu used to read us books that comes with the cereals and one of them is a story about a the raven and the jar of water. Keep asking her why the bird did not fly to the nearest pond and instead avidly inserting stones into the jar? and she answered that every time although with boredom in her face haha.

I remembered one time, when i was in primary school. how i tend to cry everytime i go to class. Ibu will promise to come every recess s period and bring me food. this managed to stop me from crying every time i go to school for quite some time. In her gray tiara she will come and bring me my food and stop me from crying to school.

i believe i was closer to my dad over her, because we think she's the fierce one, the evil one. but after the years we somehow realized she's just doing those as an effect of her motherly nature. the instinct to keep her child safe and sound. 

Even now,

as we have grown up to be adult. I believe in her eyes, we are still seen as the kids that cry to school and the kids that will run into trouble from time to time. keeping us close to home, she will limit us from things that will result in a huge WHY? we always know she had a reason, but she would never say it. like when i sleep over at friends she would say "just come home" and when i do certain things she will just frown and will no longer yell.

i realized, my mum is no longer the fierce one. she's tired. she's was never the evil one, she's the loving one. maybe as people may say, maturity does come with age and therefore now the time that i actually understand why she do all the things she does. It would somehow be a great remorse to me if something are bound to happen and i never able to tell her how much she meant to me how much she affected my life, and how much she had sacrificed for me. thus,

i love you Ibu,

I will work hard so that i can support you in the future, to fulfill all your need and wants and being the son you will be proud of.

this is shen.

and Happy Mother's Day

Hanifah Mustafha