because obviously i am a control freak

im always scared of the uncertain. the unpredictable.
the future to be exact. im a planner. i got my whole life planned out.
when something goes astray. ill panic. i dont have any contigencies.

i am not a lets go with the flow guy, to be bluntly honest.

macam after spm, get into college, get my degree in law, practise, do a double degree in architecture. get a good job, open a cafe, support my family get a house a bmw and die happy. or be a pilot. and the rest will fall through.

but obviousy things never goes as planned.

end up doing IT and crapped my life to the max. its fine. it was all fine. but depending on how my life turned out. im scared of asking what next? i mean i got my diploma, ill get my d#egee. and then what? doing what i hate for the rest of the life? sometimes it sucks to be a planner. you are scared to open up to all the possibilities in life.

keep asking myself what if.
what if tak cukup pandai,
what if tak cukup hebat
what if tak ini
what if tak itu

a friend once told me, "you're a high achiever, u think too much to be someone, who are you impressing?"

i have nobody to impress other than myself. and im setting my bar too high based on my dad's expectations.
ridiculous expectations. penat ahhhhhhhhh! penat trying to impress you sangat2.

i want mylife to be just that. as good as it gets. but i cant see that coming. i want to be able to go tuk whenever i want to. pushing myself to the limit for that.

pray for me.
the expectations
for the patience
the anxiety
and the indecisive.

this is shen.
and im a control freak
and now im panicking.